Happy Again, Trying Again, Strong Again
(Sad?) Story of How This Blog Started, and (Happy) story of where I am going:
about how to get out of an unhappy career. AHHHH! so much happiness in me right now. working those last 2 weeks at a job you are on the way out of can be awkward, but I don’t even care. I keep getting emails from people at my new job eager to get me involved in things, and I am SO excited. I feel like going to work isn’t just going to be pure “work” I don’t want to have rose colored classes, but I know there are going to be parts of my new career I am genuinely going to love (read: the parts where I am not sitting in front of a computer writing analytically between 10 an 12 hours a day)
I am less than month away from my first full marathon since that awful day when I tore up my ankle at mile 2. ahhh. It’s going to be slow, but I am starting believe I will do it
I got the job after all. I LITERALLY feel like i have a new lease on life. If anyone needs a favor from a complete stranger, now would be the time to ask because I am feeling REALLY happy and generous. I no longer have to be a lawyer! and I am coming into a high-level position outside my field. I found a way to make a career transition in this economy. who gets to do that?
forcing myself to focus on how “good” i have it compared to so many other people works so well, but for such a very short period of time. I’m not stupid. I know I should thank my lucky stars for everything I have and everything I do not have to deal with. I just wish it would stick. I’m trying to make it a mantra. maybe I need a tattoo……
my thoughts so much. I feel them spinning out of control. And it’s like I don’t know what to do to stop them
that I was too fragile to handle something like this. Much too breakable now. I’m just not myself. I don’t think I ever will be.
And I need to know. I need to think and reflect. That’s exhausting. I keep hoping things are going to flatten out, and I can plan little steps to move forward. But it’s still just treading water. It’s still just trying to keep my head above the waves. I don’t know.
When young, we’re anxious – understandably – to find out if we’ve got what it takes. Can we succeed? Can we build a viable life for ourselves? But you – in particular you, of this generation – may have noticed a certain cyclical quality to ambition. You do well in high-school, in hopes of getting into a good college, so you can do well in the good college, in the hopes of getting a good job, so you can do well in the good job so you can….
And this is actually O.K. If we’re going to become kinder, that process has to include taking ourselves seriously – as doers, as accomplishers, as dreamers. We have to do that, to be our best selves.
Still, accomplishment is unreliable. “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard, and the need to do so constantly renews itself (success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it), and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended.
So, quick, end-of-speech advice: Since, according to me, your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now. There’s a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness. But there’s also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf – seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.
Do all the other things, the ambitious things – travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness. Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial. That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality – your soul, if you will – is as bright and shining as any that has ever been. Bright as Shakespeare’s, bright as Gandhi’s, bright as Mother Theresa’s. Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place. Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly.
George Saunders, Graduation Speech to Syracuse Class of 2013 http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/31/george-saunderss-advice-to-graduates/?smid=fb-share&_r=1&
they just called to get updated contact info for one of my references (I filled out his applicaiton a looooooooong time ago). This makes me NAUSEOUS. People talking about me. About my characther. I’ve been kind of a mess. I mean, I haven’t done ANYTHING less than quality work while AT WORK. But I haven’t exactly been stable in my trajectory or demeanor. I mean, I probably don’t even really deserve the job for that very reason. But I HATTTTE this feeling.